One Granule

It’s a rainy Saturday Travellers,

Rainy weekend days are really great for thinking aren’t they? And moving in a slightly slower modality. Even dogs and cats seem to nap more or stare out the windows watching life beyond the walls.

I spent an hour roaming the interweb this morning. It really is a sort of vastness that can stop an individual in their tracks. So many lives, so many ideas, so many voices, so many choices and all the advice in the world. It always makes me wonder, where do I fit in? Do you remember each day how many hearts are beating in this world?

I feel like what I’m trying to do in my life is reconstruct a better me. That’s what you are watching here, a person in a state of remodel. Not saying I’m a bad me right now, but I know I can do better. Better is of course subjective. For me, it means that I can be freer in my life, less rigid. It means learning to give my time to the things that really make a life not just the things that make me feel safe. It means healing, forgiving myself and putting more effort into the things that really feed my being. Not just surviving. It means finding a whole lot of fully souled bravery.

Have you ever attempted such a feat? Do you ever think your life could be more than it is? Is there something calling to you that you continue to ignore?

Therapy has become a sort of sifting thru pieces of myself  and trying to sort out how to glue it all together with intention. Living intentionally, do you live intentionally? Show of hands. Deciding to up the ante from a perfectly alright life to something more is beyond any difficulty I have sought out before. And I realized this morning, I am seeking something I’ve never seen because none of our lives are the same. You can read, listen to and watch as many other lives as possible, but none are yours. Whatever it is that you want to do, you’re inherently gonna do it like no other.

I’ve got a few things I’m trying out, this is the first one…

I’m working on breaking my patterns that make me feel safe. What does that look like? Well, I have become a creature that has created a carefully curated set of chores/tasks that I perform in order to make order from chaos. I find this predictability sets me at ease. It gives me a sense of control and creates a space where I am safe from all the harms of my life. The ones that I chose and the ones that were bestowed upon me without permission. Trauma crafts a strangeness in some of us.

I’ve started leaving dirty dishes in my sink, not vacuuming the dog hair on the carpet more that once a week, leaving clothes lying around and doing different things at different times. I know it’s sounds mundane to the average viewer but when you let your particularness take over, you gotta start it’s undoing in small measures. Tip toe around the sleeping dragon.

When I started my morning walks, and coming here, that was a huge change. Last night I did grocery shopping, instead of today. I stayed in bed late this morning. I came here first, even before brushing my teeth. I’m going to study a lot today and do the things I usually do on Sunday instead. I’m trying to shatter my schedule because when I honestly look at my life, I can see this framework was made in the absence of happiness. The emptiness of my marriage and life needed coping, so I built this system that made me safe, but has also become a kind of prison.

My discomfort is palpable. When you abandon what you know, it feels like a free fall.   Not as dramatic as skydiving backwards, more like falling in jello. A sort of suspended unease. And since this has been going on for the last 10 years, it’s gonna take more than a sec to undo it all…


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